Monday, February 28, 2011

2011 Can Bite It (So Far), Or The Blog In Which I Finally Release All My Pent Up Frustrations... Aaaahhh...

2010 was a wonderful year. So many amazing things happened that I'd been wanting for FOREVER. Like, I met an amazing man who communicates with me, holds me, and tells me he loves me everyday. I had lots of fun adventures with friends, camping and going to shows, festivals, dance parties, etc. I got to move out of my tiny little townhouse in town, and found an amazing house in the country with lots of amazing plants and fruit trees. I finally got to back to New Mexico after 5 years, which was completely amazing. But now here it is, barely 2011 and I've already lost two of my best friends. I guess you could say the issues with friend #1 began before 2011, but we're lumping it in with this year, because the real bow-up happened close enough to 2011 to count. This is my oldest friend, the person who's seen me at some of my worst moments, and has chosen to not let me grow out of that in her image of me. Also, she is a very self-centered person, or at least someone who has always prioritized her needs, making getting together with said friend often VERY difficult, because it has to always be on her terms and when she's available, and for the most part I am always VERY accommodating, and from my point of view, the problems with our relationship really began when I decided to stop being so accommodating, or started priotizing my own needs over hers. Admittedly this happened to be around the time she was going through some really hard things, including separating from her husband. Probably could've had better timing, but a lot of other things happened at the same time to make it nearly impossible for me to even make it out to see her (she lives very far out) even if I wanted to. And in my defense, I had made an effort to try and arrange some time to see her, and she just never replied to me. For months and months we didn't talk, and when we finally did, it was first an email sent to me with no subject and just a frowny face in the message. What do you do with that? Which is exactly what I asked, and when I got a response, it was to ask if she could hang out with my kiddo, without us doing anything to repair what was broken between us, which has often been an issue... whenever we've had issues, or rather, whenever she was dissatisfied with my friendship, she will say as much, but seemingly avoid ever really talking about it, all the while alluding to the fact that there's a HUGE problem we need to deal with. When I told her I wasn't comfortable with that, nor some of the patterns in our friendship I've mentioned here, she became extremely irate and just plain mean, pretty much calling out any flaw I've ever had, telling me I was a horrible mother, friend and person in general resulting in a complete system meltdown for over a week.
Okay, part 2... About a month ago I go up to Portland to see another old friend of mine, while also spending time with friend #2. Friend #2 and I have become fast and close sisters, which has been beautiful since her daughter and mine are the dearest of friends as well. Our friendship is only a couple years old, but we have already had many wonderful adventures and bonding moments. She can also be quite self-absorbed, but she's also very sweet and affectionate, so it's okay. Night one in Portland, we all get together and play board games and generally have a really fun time, which seems important since friend #2 is having a hard time, dealing with the anniversary of her mothers death, and some issues with her boyfriend. The next day, my other friend and I go our separate ways, as per her request to have some one on one time with me, which I had already cleared with friend #2. It meant that Isabelle AND Justin would be staying the night over there. She had made some kind of comment about Justin sleeping in the garage, but I think nothing of it because after all, Justin's a bit of an uncouth animal. But apparently, it meant something more, and that night she basically came onto him. They played cards and drank beer, and things were a little flirty, which is kind of how things are whenever the 3 of us are together, but in a totally innocent way. This wouldn't have bothered me if it had stayed innocent, but apparently, things didn't stay that way, and at one point during their card game she said, "there's something I need to tell you but I'm not drunk enough", Then after they went to go to bed, in different beds, but in the same room, which again, wasn't an issue, but after a little bit of them laying there and talking, she gets up to go to the bathroom, and afterward, goes and lays down with him, and then Justin says it started to feel weird, and she was like, "I should go back to my bed, " to which he replied, "yes, you probably should," and she was like, "but it's so comfortable and warm," to which he responded, "but you should go back to your bed." After she did, she apparently felt comfortable, or drunk enough, to finally tell him what she had wanted to which was that she was sexually attracted to him, which is where it "officially" crossed the line for me. Justin says that in response, he just changed the subject and started talking about her boyfriend, which she doesn't deny, but after a while, she got up to go to the bathroom again, and again laid down with him afterward. He said that this time he laid on his back to make it a lot less intimate, and she eventually got up to go back to her bed, but beforehand, gave him a hug. He says that he tickled her after this, to which she said, "stop. you're turning me on." He responded that that wasn't his intention, that he was just trying to lighten the mood (he's got some issues with recognizing boundaries and probably really liked the attention), and they went to sleep.
He's the one to tell me all this. I get angry and reactive, and tell them both so and she gets angry with me and tells me, "you put me in an uncomfortable situation." So it was MY fault?? We go home, days pass, and I let her have it in an email. She apologizes, but also paints a slightly different story with Justin coming on to her. Interesting that I bought it for a moment, and became extremely mad at Justin, when he was the one that came right out and told me about this, and she didn't deny anything that he said happened, and most importantly, she has done the exact same thing, only worse, with another friends husband, who heard her spin it the same way, only to find proof that that was a lie.
All of this aside, I wanted to forgive her. I wanted to TRY and put all of that aside, and TRY to repair our friendship. I wanted to talk to her in person... see her face when she tells me these things. And she came down from Portland this weekend, but because of however she spun the story to her boyfriend, my neighbor, he doesn't want her to spend any time with me/us, and it seems she chooses this over repairing our friendship.
Maybe this blog should be renamed, 2011: The Year That Ate My Friendships.
All of this has led up to a huge amount of emotional turmoil; extreme anxiety, depression... But that all of that was present before any of these things happened, only in a slightly subtle way. The dreams and nightmares of being chased, of Justin leaving me and cheating on me, are gone, but now I'm left with something only slightly less disturbing in the reality. It's leaving me paralyzed, feeling completely unable to do anything, cope with anything. I'm exhausted. Wake me when the year's over, or at least when it gets WAY better. I'm done.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rainy Day Ramblings: Inspiration Comes With The Rains

So... I said I was going to utilize this blog more and promptly disappeared for months. Well, what can I say? With the gorgeous NW weather that comes during the late spring and lasts through much of the Summer came a million little and not-so-little adventures, and a general lack of wanting to be glued to this glowing box. And with the seasons first real rain comes the inspiration to go inward and reflect a little on the season's changes and blessings. Most things seem a little far out of reach to touch today, but with the addition of some photo blogs soon, should be easy to recant later. BUT... the most recent, and most exciting of changes in our world, is finding our dream rental in Alpine! I've been wanting a place of my own out in the country forEVER, and have been casually looking since our move from Fall Creek into Eugene, nearly 2 years ago. We'd been spending a good amount of time out in Alpine this Summer, since we have good friends out there and Justin and I have been helping our friend process his honey for the past several weeks, so we decided to take a look around that area. It's such a quaint, little farming town, with an actual feel of community, and it's lovely, lazy lolling hills are pretty easy on the eyes, so we were pretty determined to find some place in that area, though we did look around the Cottage Grove, and Fall Creek areas, with little to no success, when the almost-perfect house came along. It was pre-turn of the century, two stories, on 4-5 acres surrounded by a tree farm, off a dirt road. It had a ton of gardening potential, as well as room for goats and chickens, all of which was very important. I thought for sure it would be way out of our budget, but it was surprisingly cheap for what it had to offer, so we were seriously considering going for it. Something didn't feel completely right about it though. I mean, depending on the farmers, tree farms can be pretty toxic areas. And the landlords folks lived right behind us, not completely out of site, and aside from the HUGE oak trees in the front, the house had absolutely no native plant-life in the immediate vicinity. But it was a heck of a lot closer to the dream than our current in-townhouse, so we were willing to settle, feeling like it might be the best we could find. Then we saw it! The red house! It was just an ad on craigslist, but something about it spoke to me. It was red, my favorite, it had a huge deck, surrounded by trees, on an acre, with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, for the same amount as the white house. Thing was, we had to wait almost a week to see it, and even though we tried and tried to find it on google earth, it became apparent we'd have to suffer and wait. Finally, the day before the day we were scheduled to go see it came, and the lady gave up the address! We all (Joey, Angela, Justin, and I) piled into the car to go see it, and I fell in LOVE! The yard was HUGE, and a perfect balance of open and wooded, with fruit trees, a bamboo forest, oak, birch and pine. I knew immediately this was my home! I just knew in my bones it would be mine. Joey said she had a really good feeling I would get it also, so i just knew it must be! The next day, we go to meet with the lady, and she's perfect! She and her ex-husband had built the place 27 years ago, and two of her 3 children had been born there. The place had been a barren open field and they had planted all the lush and gorgeous trees and plant-life there. When she and her husband, who still lived on the land behind us (she moved to Seattle) had separated, she had taken to renting it out. She was extremely heart-broken that the last tenants that had been there for 5 years, had just mowed over her many garden beds, had torn down her rabbit hutches, and basically destroyed her yard in her eyes,  so we thought it was perfect that we basically wanted to turn it into food and medicine, with some chickens, and possibly goats. Plus, she'd homeschooled,  and I was going to be homeschooling. She had been a housekeeper as well, and had a good friend who was a stained glass artist. There were all these amazing similarities, and we/I felt a great connection. She said there were more people coming that day to see the place, but I just knew the place would be ours. She wanted to rent the place as soon as possible, as she had to get back up to Seattle and work, so she was planning on making the decision that night and calling the next day. Yay! We wouldn't have to wait very long to find out we'd got it!

She didn't call that night... I am terrified...

She didn't call the next day either! So we decided to give her a call.... She hadn't made a decision yet, she would call when she did.

Days pass and she doesn't call! My heart is BROKEN!!! I loved that house so much! I just knew it was going to be mine! We had such a great repoir! What was wrong??? Maybe she decided to take a few more days to decide... maybe she decided to check our references.  We waited...

She NEVER called!

We almost gave up. But we didn't...

Justin called back the next week to ask what she had finally decided, and she told him she had decided to go through a property management company, and that they were coming that day to decide if they were going to manage it. She told him that she had just had a really, really bad experience with the last renters, and since she was so far, she just wanted to know it was being taken care of. Justin said, okay, but if it would sweeten the pot, we would sign a 2, 3, or 5 year lease, and she said, thanks, she would take that into consideration.

Next thing we know, she's calling our references! Then she wanted more references! Then, she wanted other reassurances... that we would be able to make rent, etc. We gladly gave her everything she wanted, plus some, and NOW...

THE HOUSE IS OURS!!! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited!!! It's beautiful and perfect and it's OURS!!! :):) We'll start moving around the 15th! Pictures soon to follow!!!

In other news, I'm making herb stuffs! I wildcrafted some things, tinctured some other things, made poison oak tea, nettles/oat straw nourishing infusions, and am salving and tincturing more later this week! Yay for me!!! I wanted to start this journey earlier than this, but with said Summer hecticness, had not begun my herbal learnings as soon as I'd wanted. I was feeling a bit bummed at myself for this, so decided to just get over it and do something about it, and it was great! Empowering! Uplifting! Inspiring! And surprisingly easy! Plus, it just feels good! Like, physically! :) Yay for plants!!! I love, love, LOVE them!!!

Now off to play some D&D! :D That's another newness in our lives, thanks to Isabelle. My now 10 year old daughter is turning into a real geek. And, I love it! ;) Good night all, and thanks for visiting! Come back soon, as I promise I won't wait as long to post again, this time.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Pics of the Week: Events

Scenes from the Mutaytor, Beats Antique, Abney Park, Faerie Balls, the Author and her besty at KMRIA, and Knights of the Realm.... Enjoy!









Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My New Earth-Friendly Housekeeping Operation!

I did it for about 7 years before I took the job on campus, at the No Cash Clothing Stash, and now that the Stash is kaput, I'm at it again! I've created a new website for it here and would very much appreciate folks in the area spreading it around a bit! Not looking for more than 4 or 5 jobs a week though, so I'll post an update when my schedule's full! Thanks and enjoy a fun and fitting Faun Fables song..!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Pics of the Week/Critters

Kitties, Birds, Bees and Nutria! Enjoy!