2010 was a wonderful year. So many amazing things happened that I'd been wanting for FOREVER. Like, I met an amazing man who communicates with me, holds me, and tells me he loves me everyday. I had lots of fun adventures with friends, camping and going to shows, festivals, dance parties, etc. I got to move out of my tiny little townhouse in town, and found an amazing house in the country with lots of amazing plants and fruit trees. I finally got to back to New Mexico after 5 years, which was completely amazing. But now here it is, barely 2011 and I've already lost two of my best friends. I guess you could say the issues with friend #1 began before 2011, but we're lumping it in with this year, because the real bow-up happened close enough to 2011 to count. This is my oldest friend, the person who's seen me at some of my worst moments, and has chosen to not let me grow out of that in her image of me. Also, she is a very self-centered person, or at least someone who has always prioritized her needs, making getting together with said friend often VERY difficult, because it has to always be on her terms and when she's available, and for the most part I am always VERY accommodating, and from my point of view, the problems with our relationship really began when I decided to stop being so accommodating, or started priotizing my own needs over hers. Admittedly this happened to be around the time she was going through some really hard things, including separating from her husband. Probably could've had better timing, but a lot of other things happened at the same time to make it nearly impossible for me to even make it out to see her (she lives very far out) even if I wanted to. And in my defense, I had made an effort to try and arrange some time to see her, and she just never replied to me. For months and months we didn't talk, and when we finally did, it was first an email sent to me with no subject and just a frowny face in the message. What do you do with that? Which is exactly what I asked, and when I got a response, it was to ask if she could hang out with my kiddo, without us doing anything to repair what was broken between us, which has often been an issue... whenever we've had issues, or rather, whenever she was dissatisfied with my friendship, she will say as much, but seemingly avoid ever really talking about it, all the while alluding to the fact that there's a HUGE problem we need to deal with. When I told her I wasn't comfortable with that, nor some of the patterns in our friendship I've mentioned here, she became extremely irate and just plain mean, pretty much calling out any flaw I've ever had, telling me I was a horrible mother, friend and person in general resulting in a complete system meltdown for over a week.
Okay, part 2... About a month ago I go up to Portland to see another old friend of mine, while also spending time with friend #2. Friend #2 and I have become fast and close sisters, which has been beautiful since her daughter and mine are the dearest of friends as well. Our friendship is only a couple years old, but we have already had many wonderful adventures and bonding moments. She can also be quite self-absorbed, but she's also very sweet and affectionate, so it's okay. Night one in Portland, we all get together and play board games and generally have a really fun time, which seems important since friend #2 is having a hard time, dealing with the anniversary of her mothers death, and some issues with her boyfriend. The next day, my other friend and I go our separate ways, as per her request to have some one on one time with me, which I had already cleared with friend #2. It meant that Isabelle AND Justin would be staying the night over there. She had made some kind of comment about Justin sleeping in the garage, but I think nothing of it because after all, Justin's a bit of an uncouth animal. But apparently, it meant something more, and that night she basically came onto him. They played cards and drank beer, and things were a little flirty, which is kind of how things are whenever the 3 of us are together, but in a totally innocent way. This wouldn't have bothered me if it had stayed innocent, but apparently, things didn't stay that way, and at one point during their card game she said, "there's something I need to tell you but I'm not drunk enough", Then after they went to go to bed, in different beds, but in the same room, which again, wasn't an issue, but after a little bit of them laying there and talking, she gets up to go to the bathroom, and afterward, goes and lays down with him, and then Justin says it started to feel weird, and she was like, "I should go back to my bed, " to which he replied, "yes, you probably should," and she was like, "but it's so comfortable and warm," to which he responded, "but you should go back to your bed." After she did, she apparently felt comfortable, or drunk enough, to finally tell him what she had wanted to which was that she was sexually attracted to him, which is where it "officially" crossed the line for me. Justin says that in response, he just changed the subject and started talking about her boyfriend, which she doesn't deny, but after a while, she got up to go to the bathroom again, and again laid down with him afterward. He said that this time he laid on his back to make it a lot less intimate, and she eventually got up to go back to her bed, but beforehand, gave him a hug. He says that he tickled her after this, to which she said, "stop. you're turning me on." He responded that that wasn't his intention, that he was just trying to lighten the mood (he's got some issues with recognizing boundaries and probably really liked the attention), and they went to sleep.
He's the one to tell me all this. I get angry and reactive, and tell them both so and she gets angry with me and tells me, "you put me in an uncomfortable situation." So it was MY fault?? We go home, days pass, and I let her have it in an email. She apologizes, but also paints a slightly different story with Justin coming on to her. Interesting that I bought it for a moment, and became extremely mad at Justin, when he was the one that came right out and told me about this, and she didn't deny anything that he said happened, and most importantly, she has done the exact same thing, only worse, with another friends husband, who heard her spin it the same way, only to find proof that that was a lie.
All of this aside, I wanted to forgive her. I wanted to TRY and put all of that aside, and TRY to repair our friendship. I wanted to talk to her in person... see her face when she tells me these things. And she came down from Portland this weekend, but because of however she spun the story to her boyfriend, my neighbor, he doesn't want her to spend any time with me/us, and it seems she chooses this over repairing our friendship.
Maybe this blog should be renamed, 2011: The Year That Ate My Friendships.
All of this has led up to a huge amount of emotional turmoil; extreme anxiety, depression... But that all of that was present before any of these things happened, only in a slightly subtle way. The dreams and nightmares of being chased, of Justin leaving me and cheating on me, are gone, but now I'm left with something only slightly less disturbing in the reality. It's leaving me paralyzed, feeling completely unable to do anything, cope with anything. I'm exhausted. Wake me when the year's over, or at least when it gets WAY better. I'm done.
Okay, part 2... About a month ago I go up to Portland to see another old friend of mine, while also spending time with friend #2. Friend #2 and I have become fast and close sisters, which has been beautiful since her daughter and mine are the dearest of friends as well. Our friendship is only a couple years old, but we have already had many wonderful adventures and bonding moments. She can also be quite self-absorbed, but she's also very sweet and affectionate, so it's okay. Night one in Portland, we all get together and play board games and generally have a really fun time, which seems important since friend #2 is having a hard time, dealing with the anniversary of her mothers death, and some issues with her boyfriend. The next day, my other friend and I go our separate ways, as per her request to have some one on one time with me, which I had already cleared with friend #2. It meant that Isabelle AND Justin would be staying the night over there. She had made some kind of comment about Justin sleeping in the garage, but I think nothing of it because after all, Justin's a bit of an uncouth animal. But apparently, it meant something more, and that night she basically came onto him. They played cards and drank beer, and things were a little flirty, which is kind of how things are whenever the 3 of us are together, but in a totally innocent way. This wouldn't have bothered me if it had stayed innocent, but apparently, things didn't stay that way, and at one point during their card game she said, "there's something I need to tell you but I'm not drunk enough", Then after they went to go to bed, in different beds, but in the same room, which again, wasn't an issue, but after a little bit of them laying there and talking, she gets up to go to the bathroom, and afterward, goes and lays down with him, and then Justin says it started to feel weird, and she was like, "I should go back to my bed, " to which he replied, "yes, you probably should," and she was like, "but it's so comfortable and warm," to which he responded, "but you should go back to your bed." After she did, she apparently felt comfortable, or drunk enough, to finally tell him what she had wanted to which was that she was sexually attracted to him, which is where it "officially" crossed the line for me. Justin says that in response, he just changed the subject and started talking about her boyfriend, which she doesn't deny, but after a while, she got up to go to the bathroom again, and again laid down with him afterward. He said that this time he laid on his back to make it a lot less intimate, and she eventually got up to go back to her bed, but beforehand, gave him a hug. He says that he tickled her after this, to which she said, "stop. you're turning me on." He responded that that wasn't his intention, that he was just trying to lighten the mood (he's got some issues with recognizing boundaries and probably really liked the attention), and they went to sleep.
He's the one to tell me all this. I get angry and reactive, and tell them both so and she gets angry with me and tells me, "you put me in an uncomfortable situation." So it was MY fault?? We go home, days pass, and I let her have it in an email. She apologizes, but also paints a slightly different story with Justin coming on to her. Interesting that I bought it for a moment, and became extremely mad at Justin, when he was the one that came right out and told me about this, and she didn't deny anything that he said happened, and most importantly, she has done the exact same thing, only worse, with another friends husband, who heard her spin it the same way, only to find proof that that was a lie.
All of this aside, I wanted to forgive her. I wanted to TRY and put all of that aside, and TRY to repair our friendship. I wanted to talk to her in person... see her face when she tells me these things. And she came down from Portland this weekend, but because of however she spun the story to her boyfriend, my neighbor, he doesn't want her to spend any time with me/us, and it seems she chooses this over repairing our friendship.
Maybe this blog should be renamed, 2011: The Year That Ate My Friendships.
All of this has led up to a huge amount of emotional turmoil; extreme anxiety, depression... But that all of that was present before any of these things happened, only in a slightly subtle way. The dreams and nightmares of being chased, of Justin leaving me and cheating on me, are gone, but now I'm left with something only slightly less disturbing in the reality. It's leaving me paralyzed, feeling completely unable to do anything, cope with anything. I'm exhausted. Wake me when the year's over, or at least when it gets WAY better. I'm done.
